He’s Never Dated but Has Slept With 40 People: A Story of Loss, Casual Sex and Celibacy

Daniel* is 26 and has never been in a relationship. He has, however, slept with around 40 people. In this installment of On the Streets, a Zikoko series exploring the chaos of modern dating, Daniel reflects on how the death of the first person he ever loved at 15 shaped his approach to intimacy, why he turned to casual sex for validation, and how faith and celibacy have changed his mindset.

Never Dated, but Not Bothered Anymore

Daniel says his relationship status used to bother him, but he no longer thinks about it as much. He is focused on other things, especially his mental health and moving on from everything he has been through.

The First and Only Person He Ever Loved

Daniel traces his story back to Amira*, the first and only person he ever loved. They grew up in the same neighbourhood, and his mother had a shop nearby, so he saw her often. They became friends when they ended up in the same class. Amira loved playing football, even though some of the boys made fun of her, and Daniel used to stand up for her.

As they spent more time together, Daniel developed feelings for her. He describes it as the purest kind of love: he cared about her without expecting anything in return, and she felt the same way. His mother sometimes gave him money for helping out at her shop, and he would spend the bulk of it on nice things for Amira. They never dated because they were young, but they meant so much to each other, even though everyone thought they were just friends.

August 2015: The Worst Day of His Life

In August 2015, everything changed. Amira passed away in what Daniel describes as the most gruesome manner. She initially went missing, and everyone had different stories about her whereabouts. Some people said her mum had sent her to the market, while others claimed she had boarded a bus. By the third day, her body was found in a neighbouring area.

Daniel was only 15, and his parents tried to shield him from the details. When his older brother eventually told him what happened, he screamed and hit him because he thought he was lying. He says he cannot explain what he felt. He was in shock and felt physically sick. It was the worst day of his life.

Coping with Loss and Isolation

Daniel says coping with the loss was difficult, especially because Amira’s family moved away shortly after her death. As far as he knew, nobody had been arrested, and nobody had any answers about what happened. It felt like everyone just moved on.

At school, people said all sorts of things about Amira. Some claimed she got into trouble after following a yahoo boy. Daniel fought people for spinning false narratives about her. Eventually, he became isolated. The rest of secondary school was terrible. He thinks he was depressed, but mental health was not something his family cared about. His parents would tell him to thank God he was not the one who died and move on. That contributed to his rebelliousness. He got into a lot of trouble until he left for university in 2018.

University: Calmer but Still Guarded

At university, Daniel became calmer and more level-headed, but he still kept to himself. He also struggled to connect with people romantically. Whenever he liked someone, he worried about getting attached and losing them, so he would often push them away before things could go any further.

Towards the end of his first year in 2019, he became interested in someone in his friend group. He asked if she saw them as more than friends, but she said she did not. When he asked why, she told him he was awkward and was not her type. That made him realise he needed to work on his confidence. Around that time, dating apps like Bumble and Badoo were becoming popular, and many of his friends were using them. He decided to try them too.

Dating Apps and Casual Sex

Daniel wanted to meet people and make connections, but he was also self-conscious about his lack of sexual experience. Many of his male friends talked openly about sex, and he often felt awkward because he could not contribute to those conversations. He did not want anyone to know how inexperienced he was. So when he started getting mostly sexual offers on the apps, he went along with them.

By 2021, he had hooked up with at least 20 people. He became more confident and continued meeting people throughout university. Eventually, he lost count. When he tried to work out his body count in 2023, he counted about 40 people.

Endless Options, but No Real Connection

None of these flings became something more. Daniel says dating apps made him feel like he had endless options. If he approached someone and they gave him an attitude, or the conversation was not going well, he would block them and move on. He also struggled with his self-esteem. Even after university, when he no longer had the same opportunities to meet strangers, he continued having casual encounters because the attention made him feel more confident.

He did not realise this was a problem until his service year in 2025. He became friends with another intern, and they talked a lot. He opened up to her about his experiences at university and what happened to him as a child. She suggested that his approach to dating might be linked to his past trauma and his fear of committing to anyone. Over time, he developed feelings for her, but she was in a long-distance relationship and only saw him as a friend. Nothing romantic came of it. Still, their friendship made him reflect on how he approached relationships and played a part in his decision to become celibate.

What Led to Celibacy

Several things came together. Daniel developed a minor infection after sleeping with someone he met on Instagram and had to spend his savings on treatment. He decided he needed a break and deleted his social media accounts because he did not want to deal with everything going on in his life.

At the start of this year, he got a job closer to home and moved back. He could not meet people as often, and he gradually lost interest in casual encounters. Around that time, a young pastor who had been encouraging him to attend his church finally got him to go. He kept returning because he enjoyed the choir. A few weeks later, the pastor preached about addiction. Daniel was struggling with masturbation at the time, and he often felt depressed and unsatisfied afterwards. Something about the sermon hit him, and he broke down crying. He opened up to the pastor and never felt judged. The pastor even shared that he had struggled with similar things when he was younger. Finding a community where he could speak openly about what he was going through felt refreshing. Since then, Daniel has been growing closer to God, and he has now been celibate for four months.

Rethinking Love and Relationships

Daniel thinks he needs to slow down his approach. He believes his love life might have turned out differently if he had not been so impatient. But he does not regret his experiences because they have brought him to where he is today. He is also learning not to let other people’s opinions influence his decisions, whether in friendships or romantic relationships. More importantly, he is beginning to recognise the things he needs to work on in himself before jumping into a relationship.

How Are the Streets Treating Him?

Daniel rates his experience on the streets a 9 out of 10. He has always been single, so he has never really felt pressured to do otherwise. For now, he is focused on finding total healing and working on himself before he meets the right person.