Sunken Ships: How a Pathological Liar Infiltrated My Friend Group

Tomilola*, 29, met Soji*, 27, online during the 2020 coronavirus lockdown. What started as conversations about music and books grew into a close friendship, and she eventually brought him into her wider circle of friends. But when several of those friends accused Soji of lying to them, Tomilola began to suspect she had never really known him at all. In this installment of Sunken Ships, a Zikoko series that explores how and why relationships end, she shares how she uncovered Soji’s alleged history of deception and how it reshaped her views on online friendship.

How the Friendship Began

Tomilola and Soji became close after weeks of interacting online during the 2020 lockdown. He would leave comments on her music posts, and from there they started texting about personal philosophies, favourite books, and their lives in general. The friendship deepened in May when she asked him to be her accountability partner during a job hunt. He agreed, and over the next few months they encouraged each other, reviewed cover letters, and sent each other job links until they both found work. She leaned on him during that period because she was dealing with financial issues and really needed a job.

From Online Friend to Core Group Member

Despite never having met in person, the friendship thrived. Soji lived in Lagos while Tomilola lived in Ibadan, but she tried to introduce him to as many of her friends as possible, both in Lagos and online. He was cool, funny, and gave great advice, so she was confident her friends would like him as much as she did. Soon he became a core part of their group. Although he hadn’t met several of them in person, online they were one big friend group. Some of Tomilola’s friends in Lagos even invited him to a game night, and they ended up meeting him in person before she did the following year.

The good run lasted until June 2022, when Soji started having issues with several people in the friendship group.

Cracks Appear

Tomilola had heard that some people were upset with Soji, but she didn’t realise how serious things were until one of them, Amos*, approached her. Amos said he and Soji had grown closer after discovering they lived in the same area of Lagos. Earlier that year, Soji had asked Amos to lend him ₦600k and promised to repay it at the end of the month. When the deadline came, he couldn’t pay and kept asking for extensions. Amos eventually got fed up and asked Tomilola to step in, since she was closest to Soji.

Tomilola was surprised because, as far as she knew, Soji earned well as a copywriter. Then she found out that Amos wasn’t the only person with a grievance. A few others also reached out to complain about lies Soji had told them.

The Lies He Told

One friend said Soji had pretended to be wealthy to impress a mutual acquaintance. He told her stories about living on the Island and having a father who worked for an oil company. When she asked to visit him, he ghosted her.

To another friend, Soji claimed he was starting a clothing business and invited her to join him as a business partner. He had her create a couple of pitch decks and promised fast profits. He later claimed he had used the decks to get investors, but started dodging her whenever she asked for updates.

Tomilola felt embarrassed and guilty because she had brought him into her life and introduced him to her friends. She decided to talk to him about what had happened and see if they could resolve things amicably. She thought maybe he was just going through a rough patch.

The Conversation That Changed Everything

When Tomilola confronted Soji, he claimed he was in a rough place mentally and had borrowed the money from Amos to handle a medical emergency involving his younger brother. He also explained the other lies as misunderstandings and promised to clear them up. She trusted him to do the right thing and hoped the tensions would ease, but things got worse.

Amos had Soji arrested for defaulting on his payment, and that incident revealed more about Soji than anyone had known. First, Soji didn’t have a younger brother; he was the last child. He had made up the story to get money from Amos. Amos found out after contacting Soji’s family in a bid to recover his money. They told him they had disowned Soji for constantly stealing and trying to defraud people. They were tired of bailing him out of his lies and had washed their hands of him.

Thankfully, Amos was able to recover part of the money, and they agreed on an instalment plan to settle the rest. After they left the police station, Amos called Tomilola and told her everything. She was hurt that Soji had deceived her for so long, especially after she had defended him to her friends. She removed him from their group chat and blocked him everywhere. Amos also came to the group and shared what he had found out. They all agreed to cut Soji out of their lives.

Cutting Ties and Moving On

Tomilola didn’t speak to Soji when the decision was made. She spent weeks mulling over their friendship and wondering if he had become friends with her for ulterior motives from the beginning.

Her friends didn’t blame her for bringing Soji into the group. They tease her about it from time to time, but that’s about it. Still, she felt guilty. She wished none of them had been hurt or inconvenienced because of someone she introduced them to. It took her a while to accept that she couldn’t have known what he was capable of.

She hasn’t checked any of his pages since and has tried to bury the memory of their friendship entirely. She doesn’t know if he has tried to reach out.

How It Changed Her Views on Friendship

The experience has made Tomilola wary of people she meets online. She no longer trusts them. The only new friends she has made since then are friends of friends or people her friend group has already vetted. She thought she was a good judge of character until she met Soji, and she hasn’t been able to trust her judgement since.

“It’s wild that a person can reinvent themselves online, and there’s no real way to know unless they show their hand or you find out,” she said.

As for reconciliation, Tomilola is firm: never. “A person who can lie so blatantly can do worse, and I won’t stick around to find out. I’m okay with the friends I already have.”