7 Nigerian Women on the Lies They Told Themselves to Accept Bad Sex

When sex isn’t good, many Nigerian women reach for explanations instead of telling a partner what isn’t working. Sometimes it’s about protecting his ego; sometimes it’s about avoiding an uncomfortable conversation. Seven Nigerian women shared the excuses they made for a man who was bad at sex, what accepting it looked like in the moment, and when the story they were telling themselves finally stopped making sense.

1. "Let Me Not Judge Him From One Experience" – Ola*, 23

Ola met him at the gym, so she had high expectations. “This one is a gym bro, at least the energy will be there,” she thought. She was wrong. The foreplay was not giving, he finished quickly, and she felt like she was doing most of the work.

Instead of admitting the sex was bad, she told herself, “Maybe he’s just tired. Maybe he’s stressed. Let me not judge him from one experience.” It became her favourite excuse. She liked him, wanted a reasonable explanation, and had already built an of what he’d be like sexually. She became, in her words, an Olympic-level excuse maker. During sex, he was giving pillow princess while she did most of the work. She didn’t have a serious conversation because she was still in her “maybe he’ll do better next time” era.

Then they had sex a second time. She thought things would improve. Instead, he judged her for swallowing his cum. “Some of you men have a lot of confidence for people who should be focusing on their own performance,” she says. If the same thing happens twice, you have to start questioning your theory. She wasn’t making excuses because there was a good reason; she was making them because she didn’t want to admit the sex was simply bad. She stopped trying to convince herself everything was fine. She was lowering her expectations and calling it understanding, questioning whether she was asking for too much when she wasn’t. “I should be able to say what I like and need, and attraction isn’t enough,” she says. She can find someone extremely attractive and still realise that, sexually, the chemistry is giving a grand total of nothing. Omo, she ghosted him.

2. "Maybe It Was First-time Jitters With A New Partner" – Enkay*, 35

It was Enkay’s first time with a new partner, and they’d been heavy on foreplay for weeks. Then the day came, and it was over in five minutes. It felt like he’d just jerked off; the whole experience felt like she wasn’t even involved. She told herself maybe it was first-time jitters with a new partner, and a friend validated that. She’d only had two other partners, so she also wondered if she was the inexperienced one. Maybe this was just how it was.

After a while, it became predictable: it’ll be over in ten minutes, then you’ll go back to whatever you’re doing. She’d give herself that timeline. During sex, she tried to draw pleasure from how turned on he was by her body. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. She always tried to make sure they were at her place so she could ask him to leave as soon as it was over.

It was temporary. She was only in that location for a year, and they really did vibe over movies, anime and work. She didn’t want to look for another partner or risk being seen as slutty in such a small community. She never directly addressed the problem. A few times, when she was in charge of how sex went, she tried to show him what she wanted instead of telling him. Of course, that didn’t always work.

Around the same time, she had sex with someone who literally worshipped her body the first time. It opened her eyes. She started thinking, “So this is how it can be?” She could finally acknowledge that the other sex had been bad, mediocre at best, and that she should have moved on much earlier. She was still considering his feelings, so she let things fizzle out, especially since her year there was nearly over. She learned that you have to take charge of your own pleasure. Men will cum regardless. If a partner doesn’t know what they’re doing, you can speak up and tell them what works and what doesn’t. If they’re unwilling to change, feel free to wave goodbye.

3. "I Kept Thinking Something Was Wrong With Me" – Yvonne*, 27

By the second time or so, Yvonne realised this couldn’t be it. It was her first encounter with sex, but it just felt wrong. Remembering it makes her angry all over again. “God will actually punish that boy,” she says. It was just about him. There was hardly ever any foreplay, although he was very particular about her not being hurt. She remembers thinking her nerves weren’t sensitive enough. She pathologised it, as she often does even now. She kept thinking something was wrong with her. Then she just accepted it. She thought that was all there was to it.

Overall, he was a terrible person, so she was really warped in the head when it came to him. The adrenaline was really something. She did try to talk to him about it, but he paid her no mind and didn’t even entertain the conversation. She accepted the other bad parts of the relationship too, which, honestly, was all of it. She carried that lack of demanding better into everything else. She centred him and basically wanted whatever made him satisfied.

After they finally parted, he tried to move toward her one more time. By then, she was disgusted with him, so she turned him down. They were already over, and he stayed gone. She just knew that what they’d had couldn’t be all there was to it, especially when there was hardly ever foreplay. More women need to learn that sex is as much for you as it is for them, and an orgasm isn’t a myth. If there’s no foreplay, close the chapter quickly. A man who doesn’t care if sex is satisfying for you won’t care about you in other parts of the relationship either. He centres himself in bed and everywhere else; you’re just a tool.

4. "I Had Sex With Multiple People to See If It Was Me" – Ari*, 25

When Ari started having sex with men, there was almost never any pleasure beyond the initial thrust. She’s such a people pleaser that she’d fake moans until he finished, and he always took forever. She had sex with multiple people to see if it was her. She liked the idea of sex more than the act. So she took it like a champ. If she was the problem, why should it be less pleasurable for them? For the longest time, she wouldn’t even say it didn’t work for her. She’d zone out and let out moans now and again. She’s faked orgasms to end sex multiple times.

She read a lot of books growing up and thought everybody couldn’t be lying about how good it is, so the self-blame just kept going. She liked the prospect of a warm body. It was only during sex that she’d ask herself why she was there. With her first boyfriend, it was painful every time, but he’d convince her, and love would make her do it. With her last partner, she knew he liked sex a lot, so it became a chore she did for him. Conversations seemed to put partners on edge. Her last partner liked trying to please her, but she figured he’d give up at some point. Moaning and allowing him to finish was easier.

One day, she woke up and realised that bad sex didn’t serve her. It was some weeks before they broke up. In those last days, he talked a lot about how they didn’t even have sex anymore. Even though she ended it, she knew it would eventually have been a dealbreaker. Afterwards, she went eight months without sex. She realised she owed nobody sex and thought she was asexual. Just last week, she came three times from head and twice from penetration. Before, she was going years without an orgasm unless she was masturbating. With her current sexual partner, she told him head didn’t work for her, and she had written it off. He asked her to trust him and, omo, thank God she did. She’s had so much fun. She’s started buying and using more toys. She knows now that good sex means caring about your partner’s pleasure; most of those partners didn’t really care about hers. If you do rubbish now, she’ll boo you because she knows it’s not her shame to bear. She still thinks she’s on the asexual spectrum, but step by step. She’s getting the pleasure she missed back.

5. "It's Just My Assault History Playing Tricks on Me" – Morenike*, 25

When Morenike had sex with him for the first time, they had been kissing for a while, and then it led to fingering. She remembers thinking, “The last time I tried this with someone else, it didn’t hurt, so why does this hurt?” It felt like he was stabbing her insides. She told herself, okay, maybe different strokes for different folks. At the time, she was dealing with a lot around sex because she’d started having flashbacks about being sexually assaulted when she was young. So she told herself, “Maybe it’s just my SA history playing tricks on me, and maybe that’s how sex is supposed to feel. He’s trying his best.” She was inexperienced, but she knows now he just didn’t know how to finger.

He was a situationship, and he was really sweet to her. Instead of telling him, “You kind of suck at this,” she let her inner avoidant out after sex. She accepted that he was exceptionally awful at fingering and started ignoring his messages asking her to come to his house. They’re still friends, but that’s just it. Before she got comfortable enough in her body to want more sexual interactions, she’d prepare herself to dissociate because she didn’t know if it was going to be awful. One time, she texted her friend afterwards and asked them to call her with an emergency so she could leave. Years of staying quiet and allowing things to be done to her without speaking up had affected her. Why couldn’t she tell a guy he didn’t know how to finger? He didn’t even give head. Just fingering without lube. “What am I, Kanji Dam?” she asks.

After him, she started telling people what she liked and didn’t like, and directing them to do better. She hasn’t had a lot of sexual partners, but they’ve been pretty understanding once she started talking. She’s more comfortable saying she’s inexperienced now. Good sex, for her, means not being afraid to speak up. She also doesn’t care much for sex because of her demisexuality. If she builds a beautiful emotional bond and desires someone sexually, that’s great. If not, she’s not going to force herself to accept casual sex.

6. "He Didn't Give Head. Who Does That?" – Kara*, 31

He was Kara’s first consensual sexual partner ever, and she didn’t have a frame of reference for what good sex was supposed to feel like, so it took her a while to realise what was happening. The first time they tried having sex, they discovered she had trauma-related vaginismus, and for some reason, he was very frustrated by that. That should have been her first red flag, but she was young, dumb and in love, so she rationalised it away.

When they finally had sex, she was a little bit drunk because she had read somewhere that alcohol helped deal with vaginismus more easily, and it did. The haze of the alcohol made her think it was decent sex. Again, with no frame of reference, she didn’t know what she was missing. She kept telling herself that it was inexperience, and maybe she was broken because of assault. He was a lot more sexually experienced than she was and made sure she knew it by virtue of jokes. Now that she thinks about it, that was weird as hell.

It was consistent for a couple of months, and then at some point, she stopped having sex in general because she got busy with work. After a while, she got her spark back and started exploring with other people, which made her realise how nice sex in general was. He lived close by, so they tried to reignite a sexual relationship, but compared to the other people she had had sexual encounters with, it was just mid. She tried having sex with him a couple more times after that, but she kept zoning out because it was a lot of in, out, bye-bye. She felt more like a Fleshlight than anything else. And he also didn’t give head; who does that?

She was a people pleaser at the time, so all she did was make excuses to not see him when he wanted to have sex. She kept assuring herself that this was how sex was supposed to feel, even when it was very clear to her that it wasn’t. She tried having a conversation with him one time, where he gave her a bullshit reason about why he didn’t give head and then made the conversation about the “magical powers of his dick.” No, that’s exactly what he said. Incredible. Never again. She’s grown, and she has told a man to get up from her body because he was doing nonsense and it wasn’t working for her. She now moves with the audacity of a man. These men would be very vocal when you’re not pleasing them, so why shouldn’t she do the same?

7. "I Told Myself That Knowing I Could Make Him Feel Good Was Worth It" – Tolani*, 23

Tolani didn’t realise the sex was bad until years after she’d left the relationship. When she finally had a different experience, she thought, “Oh, this is what it’s supposed to be like,” and chuckled at everything she’d been through before. He was the first guy she’d had sex with, so she thought it was supposed to feel that way. She was in love with him. He was her best friend, first love, first time and all that. She told herself that knowing she could make him feel good was worth it, even when it made her uncomfortable. There was nothing to compare it to; she assumed Wattpad and erotica stories were full of shit.

She pushed for lots of lube because it was cold and tingly and made things more interesting. She tried to bring a vibrator into it too, because she knew she could finish with one. He didn’t seem keen, and she didn’t want him to feel emasculated. Some men think toys are an indictment of their masculinity. Thank God for journey mercies. She knew some things she wanted even without knowing what sex could feel like. She tried to get him interested in a D/S dynamic, but he just didn’t have that dawg in him. She thinks he laughed at some of her kinks, so that was that.

They had an unsteady relationship; they were friends with benefits, and bigger issues sometimes kept them apart or made things awkward. Towards the end, she started to accept that they weren’t going to be “together-together” and that he wasn’t a good person for her. Sex stopped feeling like, “It’s not good, but at least I get to be close to him and make him happy.” It became, “Yeahh, this sucks.” They’d finish, and she’d wonder what she was still doing in his bed. They grew more distant. She started talking to someone she found ultra attractive, who was pretty good at being a dom. That made it easier to let go.

Later, she had another partner with whom the sex was also bad. This time it was worse: he thought thrusting really hard was the way to go, and sometimes it straight up hurt. She had to psyche herself up to get through it. She thinks those small acts of betraying yourself add up. Women are taught to centre male partners, so it was easy to feel proud that she was making him happy while ignoring how she felt. Sometimes she felt bad about herself for letting it happen, even when it bordered on painful. She was afraid that if she made him feel bad, whatever they had would end.

Then she met someone and being with them felt like being back in secondary school: sweet and nice, almost silly. They’d inch closer on the couch and find excuses to brush against each other. The sex feels good. She likes the way they look at her during it. The passion isn’t a raging flame; it’s like enjoying an orange so much you squeeze its juice into your mouth as hard as you can. Tangy, sweet, and refreshing, and you don’t want it to stop. She’s more assertive now about how she wants to be touched. She puts her comfort and pleasure first because there’s no award for suffering, and she’s here for a good time. She just wishes she’d known sex was actually supposed to feel good. She wouldn’t have put up with obvious mismatches for so long while telling herself, “Well, at least I’m getting some.”

Names have been changed and responses have been edited for clarity and flow.