At 51, She Chose Freedom Over Waiting for a Married Man

Joan* is 51, never married, and indifferent about it. Three decades ago, that would have sounded like a nightmare. Today, she rates her single life an 8 out of 10. In this episode of Zikoko’s On the Streets, she traces the relationships that shaped her—from a controlling first love to a five-year affair with a married man—and explains how she finally made peace with being on her own.

Bola: A First Love That Turned Controlling

Joan met Bola* in 1997, when she was 22 and had just finished secondary school. He approached her while she was running an errand, saying he had noticed her from a distance. He was in university, and his way with words drew her in.

The early days were good, but Bola was overprotective. He didn’t like her spending time with anyone but him, so she cut off most of her friends. At the time, she read it as a sign of love. He also promised to marry her after graduation.

Then, in 1999, Joan got pregnant. She was frightened. Her mother had died when she was young, and her father had raised her alone. She worried about disappointing him and even considered terminating the pregnancy. But Bola reassured her that he wanted the baby and met her father to ease her worry. Since she was already pregnant, her father agreed to let her move in with Bola, trusting him to take responsibility.

Life With Bola's Sisters

The couple couldn’t afford their own place, so they moved in with Bola’s sisters. Joan hoped it would be temporary—Bola had only a year left in school. Instead, he left for Abuja to start his NYSC, leaving her behind with his sisters.

That was when life became unbearable. His sisters never really accepted her, and with Bola gone, nothing stopped them from picking on her. Whenever she complained, he took their side. Eventually, Joan decided she would rather join him in Abuja than stay with his sisters. She found his address in his letters and showed up at his doorstep with their son.

Bola was surprised and a bit reluctant to let them in. Once inside, Joan was in for another surprise: she had assumed his parents were together whenever they visited Lagos, but she found his mother living with another man. When she asked questions, his mother took offence. Because his mother didn’t want Joan living with them, she and Bola eventually moved into his father’s boys’ quarters.

Struggle, Insecurity, and a Violent End

There was more peace in the boys’ quarters, but the couple still struggled. By the time Bola finished his NYSC, Joan was pregnant with their second child, and he was unemployed with two children to care for. He became frustrated and started taking it out on her. They fought often, and Joan realised she couldn’t keep waiting for things to improve.

She spoke to her siblings, who helped her raise money to set up a small kiosk selling provisions. The business did well and became their main source of income. She also enrolled in an accounting programme. But rather than look for work himself, Bola left her to handle their finances.

What troubled Joan most was his growing insecurity. Once she started earning money, he became hostile. He questioned her every move and even accused her of sleeping around for money.

The final straw came in 2004, on the night a customer knocked on their door late to buy bread. They needed every naira, so Joan attended to him. When she returned, Bola flared up because she had left their room at that hour. He kept calling her a prostitute, so she insulted his mother in return. That made him furious, and they got into a physical fight. His father had to intervene and separate them.

That night, Joan decided she could never marry Bola. A few weeks later, they had another fight, and he kicked her out of the house. That was the end of their eight-year relationship.

Starting Over as a Single Mother

Joan was already over the relationship, but her life became even harder. After she left, Bola destroyed her kiosk, leaving her without a source of income. With two children to care for, she took a job as a clerk while continuing her studies. She struggled to pay rent and keep her children in school. Those were difficult months—until she met Usman*.

Usman: A Married Man Who Offered Support

Joan and Usman met in 2005. After class one day, she realised she had only ₦100 left. Spending it on transport meant they would have nothing to eat at home, so she decided to walk. After an hour, she was exhausted and started flagging down cars. Usman offered her a lift. He gave her his business card and asked if they could meet again.

Joan could tell he was married, so she was sceptical at first. Before dropping her off at her junction, he gave her ₦4,000. She could hardly believe it—at the time, it felt like he had dashed her a million naira. After thinking it over, she decided to visit him. Before long, they began a relationship.

An Unspoken Arrangement

They never discussed his marriage. Joan appreciated that he didn’t question her about her past, so she respected his privacy too. She was also struggling to keep up with her responsibilities, and there was no way she would have turned down a relationship that eased that burden. The only thing she felt guilty about was hiding the fact that she had children.

The longer they were together, the harder it became to tell him. She had grown comfortable and didn’t want her children to become a deal-breaker. Two years in, she lost her phone, so he contacted her neighbour, who mentioned her daughter. He became suspicious and later insisted on dropping her off at home after one of their visits. Joan had always told him she lived with a friend to keep him from visiting, but this time she had to come clean.

To her surprise, having children didn’t affect their arrangement. He even started paying their school fees. In return, she tried not to expect too much from him. But when his wife died of cancer in 2010, her feelings changed. After his mourning period, she began to hope they would get married. Then he dropped a bombshell: his family had arranged for him to marry someone else.

Joan was devastated. What hurt more was that he ended their five-year relationship for his “fresh start.” It was a tough breakup, but she doesn’t regret the years they spent together. He supported her and her children, helped put them through school, and helped her get the job she still has today. She admits she set herself up for heartbreak by expecting more from him.

Giving Up on Marriage, Finding Herself

By the time Joan got over Usman, she was in her late thirties with two children. Finding men who wanted marriage was difficult. Around the same time, Bola re-entered their lives, stirring up painful memories of their breakup. She didn’t want to expose her children to more instability, so she stayed away from serious relationships.

At first, watching the years go by without getting married made her sad. Eventually, she stopped making marriage a priority. She had a few casual relationships and focused on raising her children.

Kola: A Late Chance at Companionship

That changed when she met Kola* in 2022. They were introduced by a mutual friend. Like Joan, Kola had kids but had never married. They spent a lot of time chatting, and she soon fell in love. She realised her feelings when she found herself getting moody if he didn’t call or they had an argument.

By then, both her children had moved out, so she considered getting married to him for companionship. But whenever she raised the subject, Kola avoided the conversation. She eventually learned why. In 2024, Kola told her he was moving to the UK. He wanted them to stay together and even hinted at plans for her to join him. But Joan didn’t want to make the same mistake of holding on to a man’s promises. She ended the relationship when he left. Since then, she has given up on relationships.

What Joan Has Learned About Love

Looking back, Joan says she has learned the importance of having a support system. She wishes she had had a mother or close friends to confide in when she was younger. She believes she would have made better choices if she had people who offered honest advice.

She also tells her children to pay attention to their partner’s family before committing to a serious relationship. Bola and she might have worked through their issues if his family hadn’t had so much influence over their relationship.

Still, she is proud that she prioritised herself and her goals. She always dreamed of working in an office and giving her children a good life. She has no regrets, since she achieved both despite the challenges along the way.

These days, Joan rates the streets an 8 out of 10. She enjoys being single. Whenever she hears her colleagues talk about their marriages, she is grateful for her freedom. At this stage of her life, companionship is the only reason she would consider another serious relationship. Otherwise, she is happy with her life as it is.