She Ended an 8-Year Relationship After Her Boyfriend Moved In and Made Her Pay His Bills

Demilade*, 24, spent eight years with a man she met in remedial classes and imagined a future with. By the time she walked away, she had covered his living expenses for months, watched him quit a job after barely a month, and realised that a relationship can end not because of one dramatic betrayal but because of accumulated disappointment.

In this edition of On the Streets, a Zikoko series about the chaos of modern dating, she explains how the relationship unravelled, what finally pushed her to leave, and how the experience has changed the way she thinks about love.

How the relationship began

Demilade and Israel* met in 2018 when they signed up for remedial classes to get into university. He was one of the smartest and most popular people in their class. She developed a crush early on and started borrowing his books as an excuse to get closer to him. A couple of months later, he caught feelings too, and they started dating.

The first year was lovely. They were so close that people called them the class couple. Both gained admission to the same university in 2019, and that was when she started noticing their differences. She was outgoing; he preferred to keep to himself. He also lacked the romance and thoughtfulness she wanted from a boyfriend.

The little things that became resentment

The differences eventually bothered her. It was in the small things. If they got the same amount of food, for instance, he would take the bigger share without considering whether she wanted more. He rarely asked what she wanted or made an effort to make her feel considered. She brushed it off at first, but it kept happening.

In 2022, she really wanted a particular pair of trainers that was popular on Instagram. She kept mentioning them, hoping he would remember and surprise her, but he waited until they were sold out. She was crushed when he told her. Seeing other people make thoughtful gestures for their partners made her wonder why she could not enjoy the same. She wanted to feel that her boyfriend listened to her and cared enough to make an effort.

Eventually, her constant disappointment turned into resentment. When she told him how hurt she felt, he could not understand why it mattered. They argued, and she broke up with him.

Why she gave him another chance

The breakup lasted less than a month. Around that time, a friend went through a terrible experience with an ex who physically abused her and damaged her reputation at school. Watching her friend made Demilade question whether her issues with Israel were serious enough to end the relationship. Her friends and family also liked him, so they downplayed her reasons for leaving. Meanwhile, Israel kept trying to win her back and promised to do better. Eventually, she gave him another chance.

Things did not really improve. But she kept telling herself that what she had was still better than what was out there. He was not cheating or doing anything she considered terrible at the time, so she convinced herself to accept less than she actually wanted. She also hated how little he encouraged her to explore her interests. In her final year at university, she saved up to visit tourist attractions in the western part of the country. He was reluctant to join her, even though she regularly joined him for things he enjoyed, like watching sci-fi films. She wanted to start a business too, but he discouraged her until she abandoned the idea. She started feeling trapped.

A breach of trust and a secret posting

While preparing for NYSC, Israel and Demilade agreed to manoeuvre their postings so they could both serve in Kwara. However, she wanted some space, so she secretly arranged to serve in Lagos without telling him beforehand. He was upset when he found out she had gone against their plans, and it strained their relationship for a while.

During that period, she ran into Malik*, her brother’s friend, at the gym. They exchanged numbers, started hanging out, and eventually hooked up. She was still with Israel at the time. She felt guilty but needed an outlet. Malik was the opposite of Israel, which was part of the appeal. Still, she never considered leaving Israel for him. Malik was her brother’s friend, and she knew her brother would not take kindly to that situation. He was also a playboy, so pursuing a relationship with him would have been setting herself up for heartbreak. They continued seeing each other for much of her service year until he left the country.

By then, things with Israel had improved, and she thought they might finally work out. But the relationship fell apart again when he decided to move in with her earlier this year.

When he moved in and she paid the bills

He sprang the arrangement on her. It was meant to be temporary while he looked for a job and saved up for his own place in Lagos. She thought it was a good step because, for the first time, he seemed to be showing some ambition. But living together quickly exposed how inconsiderate he was.

She would go to work, come home and cook, but getting him to wash the plates was a struggle. She had to nag him to do even the simplest chores. She also started wondering when he would take responsibility for himself and their future. He got a job but quit after barely a month because he found it stressful. He had no other job lined up and no savings, so she ended up covering his living expenses for months.

He also took control of the car her dad had sent her. All she asked was for him to pick her up from work, but he would sometimes show up late or forget altogether. She was the one paying for fuel. Despite everything she did for him, he still complained when she went out. She constantly had to explain how she spent her time and money.

She did not think talking would change anything, so she decided to endure it until he could move out. As frustrated as she was, she could not bring herself to kick him out when he did not have a stable job.

The incident that ended it

By September, she had had enough. One day, she got into an argument with her hairstylist because she was not happy with how her hair had been done. She refused to pay the full price, so the stylist got angry and started cutting off the extensions. She cut Demilade’s actual hair in the process. The argument turned physical. Most of the people around sided with the stylist, and Demilade felt embarrassed and overwhelmed.

She called Israel to pick her up. By the time he arrived, she was already in tears. But he barely reacted. He did not even get out of the car. She expected him to show some concern or defend her, but he did neither. Then he made things worse. When she got into the car, he complained that she was “fighting like a thug.” She lost it and screamed at him. How could he see his girlfriend bruised and make that his first comment? He took offence at the way she spoke to him, and they stopped talking for days.

Days later, he moved out without telling her. They had argued on a Saturday, and she went to work in her car on Monday. While she was there, Israel texted her to say he was going to his cousin’s place. By the time she got home, most of his things were gone. She was shocked. When she reached out, he said he no longer felt welcome in her house. She tried to explain why she was upset, but he suggested they take a break. She was done at that point and told him they needed to break up.

Why she is not going back

Demilade is certain that ending the relationship was the right decision. This time, she is not going back, even though everyone expects her to. Her family still thinks they had a lovers’ quarrel and will eventually get back together. But she has realised that she does not need a huge, dramatic betrayal to leave a relationship. She has made her decision, and they have been broken up for six weeks.

Reflecting on what she has learned, she says it is easy to stay with someone because you have already invested so much time. But the time you have spent together will not make the red flags disappear. She stayed partly because she feared that the next person might be even worse. Now she believes it is better to take that chance than stay in a relationship that no longer works and risk regret in the future.

As for how the streets are treating her, she rates it a 7/10. She enjoys parts of being single, but sometimes it feels strange not having Israel in her life. She still catches herself reaching for her phone in the morning, expecting to see messages from him. At the same time, she is in her twenties and has so much potential. She does not want to spend that time clinging to a relationship that did not work out.