I Cheat on My Girlfriend and I Don’t Plan to Stop

Feranmi, 26, loves her girlfriend. She has also cheated on her with three other women. She knows it is wrong, but she describes infidelity as a weapon she uses to shield herself from being hurt. After discovering that her girlfriend has also been talking to other people, she is even less sure she wants to change. This is her story, as told to Winifred Andem.

A Relationship She Calls a "Commotionship"

Feranmi met her girlfriend at a party. They were friends for a few months before they started dating, and they have now been together for about a year. Both live in Lagos, but they do not live together. The relationship has been unstable: they have broken up and gotten back together several times. Feranmi calls it a “commotionship.”

She does not consider herself monogamous, but she believes in having a defined relationship with one person at a time. When she is with someone, she expects exclusivity. She does not ask for an open relationship or tell her partner she wants to see other people. Despite that, she has cheated on her girlfriend with three people. Each encounter was a one-off, and she says she is not proud of it.

The Three Encounters

The first woman was someone Feranmi met on Snapchat. They started talking, and when the woman showed interest, Feranmi entertained it. The conversation became sexual, they agreed to meet, and eventually had sex.

Her girlfriend found out after going through Feranmi’s phone. She was devastated, and Feranmi thought the relationship was over. Feranmi begged for forgiveness, and her girlfriend eventually forgave her.

Feranmi says she has never wanted a relationship with any of the women she cheated with. It has always been about sex. That distinction matters to her because she is emotionally invested in her girlfriend.

Why She Cheats

One reason Feranmi steps outside the relationship is to protect herself emotionally. Her girlfriend tries her best to meet her physical and emotional needs, but Feranmi often feels like something is missing. She also describes herself as a casual flirt. She notices attractive women, and when she knows someone is attracted to her, she can be tempted to explore it. Sometimes she even makes the first move.

But there is a deeper reason. Feranmi does not completely trust people. Seeing other people behind her girlfriend’s back gives her a strange sense of security. If her girlfriend eventually messes up, Feranmi will know she is not completely dependent on her. She does not want to put all her eggs in one basket. If that basket breaks, she does not want to have nothing left.

She admits the logic does not make sense and says she does not recommend it. Sometimes she wonders if there is something wrong with her.

After the Cheating Was Discovered

After her girlfriend found out, Feranmi managed to stay faithful for about two or three months. Then she discovered that her girlfriend had also been talking to other people. She does not know when those conversations started or whether they happened before she cheated. But finding out made her feel like she had been right all along.

Her girlfriend says she is monogamous, but Feranmi has always had doubts about whether she could stay committed. Feranmi has been trying to change since then, but now she is struggling to see the point.

At the moment, she is not seeing anyone else and is doing her best to be a faithful partner. Still, she is unsure whether she wants to stay in the relationship.

The Struggle to Trust and Stay

Usually, Feranmi is good at walking away. She has left jobs, friendships, and relationships when they stopped working for her. This time, she cannot make that decision so easily because she genuinely loves her girlfriend. If she stays, it will be because of that love. She likes having her in her life and likes how she makes her feel. The sex is great too, but that is not enough to keep her in a relationship. She can find good sex elsewhere.

What she is struggling with is whether she can learn to trust her girlfriend enough to stay committed. She is not saying cheating is a good thing or something people should routinely do. Her girlfriend has been good to her, and she knows she should be good to her too. She is trying to be faithful, but she does not know if she will ever feel completely secure with her. And she is not sure what she will do if that feeling never goes away.