She Thought She’d Found the One—Then Learned He’d Been Married Three Times

After a manipulative relationship, Christy* (27) believed she had finally found a partner who met all her expectations. Then she learned that the man she planned to marry had been hiding major secrets from her. In this installment of Zikoko’s On the Streets, she recounts how it all unfolded and explains why her experiences have made her more cautious about dating.

A Relationship Built on Lies

Christy’s first and longest relationship began in 2019, during her second year at university. Shalom* was her coursemate, and they started dating after people around them kept pushing them together. She can’t recall exactly how it happened, but they were friends, and eventually, they decided to give it a try. There wasn’t much of a strong romantic connection at first. They got together largely because everyone thought they’d make a good couple. As they spent more time together, though, she began to realize that they might have made a mistake.

Shalom was an impulsive liar who played mind games. He could say something one day and deny it the next. For example, there was a girl he’d told her he’d slept with before they started dating. They continued hanging out, which made her uncomfortable. Whenever she questioned him about it, he’d deny ever telling her they’d slept together. Eventually, he admitted he’d said it but claimed he’d made the whole thing up. She got tired of trying to figure out what was true. It got so bad that she’d sometimes record their arguments because she knew he’d later deny saying certain things. On one occasion, he even claimed she’d confessed to cheating on him in her sleep. It felt like he was constantly trying to mess with her head.

Why She Stayed

They broke up and got back together so many times that she lost count. Being classmates and sharing a circle of friends made it difficult to get away from him completely. It wasn’t until 2021 that she finally found the courage to end things for good. She told him she was done and started avoiding him. That’s when he started threatening to kill himself. He sent her disturbing messages, claiming he’d attempted suicide and that his roommates had rushed him to the hospital. She was terrified, so she contacted a mutual friend to check on him. The friend eventually confirmed that none of it was true.

That was her final straw. She blocked him and warned him that if he contacted her again with threats like that, she’d report him to the school. Thankfully, he backed off, and they graduated shortly afterward.

A New Beginning with Charles

After that relationship, Christy wanted nothing to do with dating for about a year. When she eventually felt ready to try again, she had a few talking stages that didn’t work out. She also began to feel that men her age weren’t as mature as she’d hoped. Then she met Charles* in 2023, and he seemed to have everything she was looking for.

She met him one night after getting her hair done. It was quite late, and the salon was inside an estate. She had a bit of a walk ahead of her when he stopped and offered to drop her outside the estate. He was friendly during the ride. They chatted, she warmed up to him, and they exchanged numbers.

Charles was intentional about getting to know her. He suggested dates and made plans, which was different from what she was used to. In her previous relationship, which lasted over four years, she’d only been on one proper date. With Charles, they’d go out after work and find different things to do together. He was a sweet talker, but he also followed through on his words. She remembers thinking, “So this is what dating a grown man feels like.”

A few weeks after they met, he told her he was 43. She was just 24 at the time.

Reservations and Red Flags

She definitely had reservations about dating someone almost twice her age. Initially, she thought they’d keep things casual, but as she got to know him, she developed feelings and became more open to the idea of a relationship. Apart from his age, he also came clean about his past. He’d been married before, and it wasn’t a peaceful marriage. He painted a of a bitter ex-wife who kept his children away from him and had turned them against him. He seemed hurt whenever she asked questions about the marriage, so she stopped pressing him. She told herself his past didn’t necessarily have to define their future. Looking back, she thinks she was overlooking things that should have concerned her.

His religious and spiritual practices, in particular, made her uncomfortable. Charles could be secretive, and sometimes she couldn’t read him. He claimed to be a Christian, but he also had spiritual practices that she wasn’t familiar with. He had special water that he used when bathing and sprinkled things around his house. Some days, he would dress in white and stay indoors on his pastor’s instructions. She wasn’t comfortable making the relationship official until she could establish that there was nothing occultic about these practices.

His temper was another red flag. He dismissed her as though she had no right to question him or offer an opinion. He frequently reminded her that she was much younger than him, making it clear that he didn’t consider them equals.

The Push for Marriage and the Discovery

At the time, she felt his good qualities outweighed the bad. A year later, he was talking about marriage and encouraging her to introduce him to her parents. They eventually had their introduction, although her parents had some reservations about the age difference. They eventually accepted him.

Things became more difficult when he began pushing for them to move in together. He wasn’t financially ready for the wedding, but she wasn’t comfortable living with him before that. She didn’t want to take on the responsibilities of looking after someone she wasn’t married to. They argued about it often.

After one of those arguments, they went a few days without speaking. She decided to make peace by cooking something for him and taking it to his house as a surprise. He wasn’t home when she arrived, so she asked the security guard when he would be back. The guard told her that whenever Charles went off like that, he usually stayed away for several days. She tried calling several times, but he didn’t answer until the following evening. When he finally did, he was defensive and told her she had no business questioning where he went or what he did. She let the matter go, but she decided that the next time she had the opportunity, she’d look through his phone.

What she found shocked her. He’d been with another woman he referred to as his wife, and they had a child together. She started investigating and eventually found her social media page. There were pictures of them together and evidence that they’d had a traditional marriage. Their relationship had been on and off, but they’d recently reconciled.

When she confronted him, he tried to explain it away. He said they’d only reconciled because of their child. Then he turned it around on her, saying her refusal to move in with him had pushed him back to her. He refused to let her end the relationship and tried to use the introduction between their families to hold her down.

While they were still going back and forth, she decided to investigate further. Even though she hoped there was nothing left to find, she found more damning information about his past. Her fiancé had been married three times before. From what she heard, he’d cheated on his first wife and abandoned her with their children. She also learned that he’d swindled his second wife’s brothers out of money they were supposed to invest in a business together, then disappeared to be with the third woman.

Confrontation and Closure

It was a lot to take in. The more she investigated, the more she uncovered. Yet he still insisted he hadn’t lied to her because his marriages to the other women had only been traditional. Eventually, their confrontation turned into a shouting match, and he walked out.

She thought that was the end of it, but a few weeks later, he reached out and suggested they could still work things out. She couldn’t believe he expected her to forget everything she’d discovered. She told him to go back to his child’s mother because she was no longer interested, then blocked him everywhere.

It was difficult accepting that she’d been so deeply deceived. At the same time, she was grateful she hadn’t agreed to move in with him or gone ahead with the wedding.

Dating After Deception

She’s tried dating since then, but she’s much more skeptical now. Earlier this year, she met someone else and did her due diligence. She found out he’d been physically abusive towards his ex-partner, and that was enough for her to walk away. So far, the dating scene has been exhausting. She doesn’t have much hope left in men and isn’t ready to put herself through another traumatic experience.

She’s learned not to take everything someone tells her about their past at face value. Her advice: find out why their previous relationships ended and, where possible, verify what they’re telling you.

As for how the streets are treating her these days, she rates it a 10/10. She’d rather be single than deal with another relationship filled with lies and stress. As she puts it, she’s usually at her most peaceful and happiest when she’s single.